Remember to go to the edge xx

I remembered tonight the gut wrenching feeling driving out of town and back 'home' over the hill. I never wanted to leave again but week after week, month after month I had to. And so it was. After a match or a visit eventually I would have to set off, and leave, again.

I would savor the last few minutes drive as I headed towards the tops. Once the windmills were in my rear view mirror I knew that was it and I was gone again. Then the last left hand bend and Burnley was gone. I would have driven with my head on backwards just so I could see her for a few seconds longer. And so, my focus once more, turned to getting back, when could I next come back?

I would close up as the journey progressed. Once at Halifax I was no longer me, not relaxed, open and comfortable, just not allowed to be. I didn't know why things would change like this but I knew the only place where everyone was allowed to just be, was Burnley. Was it because it's home or was there more?

I sat having coffee in the town center last week, with my mum, people watching. We both noticed that whether the passer by looked rich or poor, they all looked happy! You may not believe it but they did. Two people strolled by arm in arm, a young couple dressed basically in rags but bloody hell they looked so happy. They looked like they had nothing yet everything. Wonderful. It wasn't just them. We noticed that nobody looked particularly stressed, rushed, beaten down or hard faced. From people we turned to the buildings. Ornate, classic, or not, most of all they were low. More or less so low that the trees were higher, surely, as a tree should be?

There is an overall calmness about this place. The small town versus the city. The difference between harsh and soft, happy and sad, beaten or not. I went on and on and on about the edge, once I had worked out why I would close off and go 'hard' on my journey back from here. We have an edge. And, if you feel like you need to get out then just go, get out, it's walkable in any direction. It's all around us, it's open, it's free and it's absolutely beautiful. If there is no edge you are beaten. The weight is never lifted, you have no space to shed your problem no matter what it is. It stays with you, it hangs there, it gets built upon by another and another until you are weighed down by it all and your whole demeanor drags. You look beaten because you are beaten. You close off to stay strong enough to carry the weight that is attached. I did. There is nowhere to go to shed it. Alcohol removes the weight and lifts it leaving you 'free' to fly for one night. Or so you believe, but thats another story.

So you see how lucky we are? And on the days where maybe you just cant fit in that 'getting out trip' then just look up. Look up at the hills, take a second or two as you walk back from the shop or walk to your car and they will work their magic for you :o) xx

Everything changes, like the seasons.........

That, I suppose is football. I haven't 'blogged' since October 2009 and we're now nearing the end of June 2010. It was good to read the old blog and remember the passion on the Turf. It doesn't go away out of season, but just lies dormant for a while. It came bursting back out yesterday as England went out against Slovenia in a must win last match of the group game. At two thirty I was pacing the floor in the office. We were due to watch on the big screen in the conference room, but alas, at 14:55 the whole world logged on to the BBC live stream and that was that really. However, we ended up listening on 5Live radio which was just as good. We won, we're through, we have Germany on Sunday!.....................

The Clarets went down! It's still not an easy thing to say and took a few months to prepare for. We could see it coming as we neared it of course, but there was always that glimmer. How on earth we managed to keep watching sometimes is beyond belief. Many left. The lad next to me left one day and never came back. I was completely empty, or so i thought, of belief, support, love for the club, week in, week out losing. The rain, the match, the club, the manager, the chants. It had all gone wrong. However, week in and week out, I went. I believed, supported until the end. How can you not? You're either in it or you're not and there was no way i was leaving it!. Even when we're getting hammered, and we did a few times, I just can't bring myself to leave before the final whistle. No matter what!

It was, emotionally, a very tough season. I sat on the kirb outside the club after the Blackburn match, empty, in shock, blank, speechless. In fact I was unable to speak for 3 hours or so afterwards, so i didn't.

Owen Coyle leaving was so unfair for the lads, the club, the town and everyone associated with Burnley. There was absolutely no way of coming round from that. It was like having the oxygen turned off on the life support machine. One is useless without the other. We didn't stand a chance. It shook the club to the ground and we went down.

Now today it's all forgotten, to a certain extent. Forgotten, but not forgiven, but we move on. That, is football. It changes every season, like the seasons. That's what it's all about. Push forward, look ahead, believe. A good structure for life, I think.

Bring on the next season.